♡ 12.12.21 ♡
i woke up from a terrible dream. i don't know why it was like that. i think it started by me getting stuck in a truck with a few old hunter men and they took me to a camp. the camp was very harsh, and said a lot of things like you're not welcome here if you're here to sulk, you're not here to get away from your home issues, even though it was filled with homeless people
either way somehow a lot of old classmates or such ended up there as well? initially the place was just a bog but at this point an old, run-down "fancy" hotel was there now. it was very poor quality, and the water was. gross. the men who took me there ordered our class to go out and hunt, and sent us in specific groups. he sent me with "kiki", which confused me until i figured out that he just mispronounced her name. he gave us guns and had us collect ammo, but threatened us not to take too much. i could barely pick it up, anyway. i had the choice between a single bullet or a bundle, but they were so heavy and i could barely see. my movement became slow and everything was dark when i held them. i managed to get out of that room and we headed to reception. "kiki" had an apple with her, somehow, and went to the reception to trade it in for a beer. unlike her, but the reception turned her down for not already having one. i asked for water, and they told me i could only drink it if i put soap in it. i asked if it was just a little, and they responded i needed to pump a lot into it. i turned the offer down, and they gave me a gross look for it.
the dream continues on with a lot of weird side quests. apparently there were to women who had magical black butterflies that they used artery forceps to control?? i ceased to exist for a while just to witness that unfold. i also had to save a fish from the bog. someone threw a clownfish in the bog to prove that their stolen goldfish (confiscated due to neglect and abuse) was "fine", and it ended up turning into a different fish entirely after disappearing a few times. i forgot to mention that half the time the men were threatening workers and kept bringing out weapons to scare them that ended up backfiring in cartoonish ways.
i think it was after the butterflies that everyone gathered around in a traditional sense? it seemed like a religious thing but i can't compare it to anything i know of in reality. we gathered for songs and food, i think? it certainly wasn't the main focus, but it was there. thinking back, i think there was some kind of movie but i wasn't sure. OH, actually, we were playing a game! it was like freeze tag. it was a fight, though. very violent, and people were quite literally stepping on each other as stepping stones to get around. there were "out-players" that did not directly play, but could be used by taggers to target prey. rowan and i were both out-players, and we sat close to each other. almost next to, even. we both got dragged into the field by taggers, but i was limp. the tagger yelled at me when he threw me at a victim. i think a rule is that you had to place out-players where you found them. rowan and i were returned at a similar time, but we ended up slightly closer than before. i was happy about that. either way, the game ended soon after and i was starting to feel worn out. even though we were supposed to sit up straight the whole time, i decided to lean on rowan. he didn't say anything, but i think he started petting my hair. it was very nice then, but somehow i ended up readjusted into his lap entirely. i was even smaller than usual in comparison, i was like a cat in his lap. not quite that extreme of a difference, but it felt like it. i was okay with this at first because it was a warm and cozy place, and i felt like i could rest forever. eventually my feelings on this changed, as he became less recognizable as himself and became a faceless recreation of james. he mutilated any comfort i had left, and i was forced silent as to not draw attention from others.
i was terrified. this wasn't him. it couldn't be him. he would never do that. he promised, even. he told me he wouldn't. and yet he was. i was scared, i was scared, i was scared, i was scared. it wasn't him. he got hold of knives at one point, decorated red with yellowish-white patterns for the tradition, and he started slicing me. i didn't react at first, out of shock, but he was angry when i started resisting. i tried screaming, but nobody heard me then, even though they were right next to us.
i accepted it. if it was rowan, it's okay. i was willing to bleed for him. i stopped resisting then.
that didn't necessarily last long though, because the cuts started becoming risker, and i was still scared. this time i managed to draw attention, and people stepped in to help. i was saved. i was still upset, betrayed, confused, but i was saved. he was banished, i think. he was not forgivable.