♡ 01.12.21 ♡
i guess it's official to say i have a problem. it has been for a while, but today i took actions that prove it
i should probably work on it. it's not healthy for anyone involved, and i know it'll end badly anyway
i ended up trying to follow other students home again today. i almost managed with kandi kid, but i ended up ahead of them so it was difficult to tell when they turned. i lost them because i decided to go further than i usually do. i missed my turn, which seemed to be theirs as well
i did manage with another kid, though. it seems like they go to my school too because their shirt had the logo. i didn't recognize them but their route was very parallel to mine so they're an easy target. they noticed me cross over to their street so i'm not sure how well it'll work out. i wasn't coordinated enough. we were walking at a similar pace at first but i couldn't see them since they were one street over. i turned a bit too early because i didn't know if i was too far behind so i almost ended up right beside them
i realised that even though i don't have much interest in the people i've actually followed, it could be really good practice if i wanted to go for a harder target, such as rowan. i've always wanted to try to follow rowan but it's the riskiest choice i could think of. i did have an interest in kandi kid this way but they always have a friend with them so it's a bit difficult. our routes are somewhat similar already though so it might work. they might get suspicious though because i do take deviations and my route wouldn't seem consistent. they might realise that i've started following them
i don't know whether i should give up on rowan or continue caring about him. it's been detrimental to me so far but he's so important to me. i adore him. i want to mean something to him too but i don't think this is working
i ended up pushing him away by mistake. i regret trying to apologize when it didn't matter to him, it just made things worse. i just want him to be back in my life again, i want to walk with him forever. i wish he could've been in place of james. he wouldn't have been nearly as bad, and maybe we could've been happier. i'm so upset all the time now, and i want to be comforted by him again. i want him to be there the way he was in the garden. i really miss him but it seems like i've lost him