♡ 28.11.21 A ♡
i feel like i slept better than usual last night. i did. end up listening to the cagecover album last night, and it was actually good. he has a decent taste in music so i’m not entirely surprised, but he also appreciates things differently than i do. even though i was heartbeat out of chest and afraid last night, i feel okay right now. i’m still slightly on edge but it’s funny to me. i was always so apprehensive to check out that album but i felt so content listening to it. i found myself smiling and i even managed to fall asleep. i woke up around third to last song, around 11:45 i think, but i didn’t have a chance to start another album because i fell asleep again. maybe this really was a next step towards healing. i remember thinking that whenever i got to the point of bearing listening to the album, i’d be more healed. i was too upset, angry, scared, overwhelmed to even try. i’m glad i finally did though. it always reminded me of him to see it, but maybe i’ve managed to reclaim it. i also thought maybe i should check out the artist on the jacket he gave me, because i might be able to reclaim that too. i’m not sure how i feel about that but it might be worth trying. consider it free merch of something i might actually like. that would be better than some jacket he expected me to wear as a hand-me-down from some prick who thought it was cute. i’ll have to check his depop soon though. see if the other jacket is still listed. it’s kind of weird how he bought me things to wear when i didn’t even interact with the bands. i guess he just wanted to further idealize me. it’s not like i’d actually wear them outside of my room though, much less my house. he stopped visiting me here after the first time though, and after he always suggested his house. he wasn’t able to stay long outside, but if i went to his house the visit could last nearly all day. apparently he really valued that, but in hindsight it definitely isolated me. i hate that. either way, i don’t see him anymore. i think that’s for best, but i wonder if he ever truly had any potential. past being an awful person, i mean. if he were nicer i could’ve really liked him, but he was just gross. a gross, grotty, disgusting person. it just bothers me that i’ll potentially have to check his instagram accounts to find the depop, but i think i might’ve archived it. i’ll go check.