♡ 27.11.21 ♡
alright, i really don’t want to have to do this aaaaaaaaghhhh………. anyway hi i’m BACK tomorrow is the last day of break and i’m upset. i’m trying to sleep but it’s not working because i decided to listen to the recs i found that also seem to be a sign— so uHHh hi…. it started with the hawk in the park THAT WAS SUPPOSED but now i found someone recommending his favourite band and i can’t stop thinking of it as a sign. it definitely sent me into a panic when i found it. it’s such an obscure thing, i don’t know how i found myself in this kind of community zone??? it almost made me cry. it felt just as bad as the last time i saw rowan. i decided that if i check his depop tomorrow and the jacket is still there, purple small, i should finally get it over with and reach out again. i really don’t want to, especially with this timing, but if the signs add up i’ll just have to. i’m scared but my mind won’t shut up about trying to close it off further somehow. just like simon. it’s the same thing, but i can’t help but think he might have potential this time. i doubt it. he’s still a terrible person, but he did say he was trying to get better. despite being a liar, i want to believe that. maybe then he won’t hurt anyone else the way i’ve been hurt. i feel so dramatic and wrong for saying it’s his fault but he did really mess up. i did too. i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know but it seems like tonight’s the night i’ll have to listen to the cagecover album he suggested. right before it all happened, before he backed out. chelsea smile, ironically. i almost recreated that title and yet he tried to replace it with such a name that suited him too. i’ll go for a walk tomorrow and see wether or not there’s any signs. james or rowan. i’ll mostly visit the rowan areas since it’s in proximity and along my usual route, but i might visit the park too. that’s a bit of a biased area though, and it’s pretty far, so maybe not.