so it's november!!! I HATE NOVEMBER :DD

i always have-- i specifically hate thanksgiving because it's so... gross

i hate food and i hate dealing with relatives but i've managed to get out of it!!!

i've generally been falling into ed habits lately which made this more difficult but fortunately i really struggle with being consistent and i binge so uHH

yeah hi!!!!!! i ate today, and i've been eating fairly regularly

i didn't have to see my grandparents today either. i'm really happy about that but i'm angry too

not that i didn't see them, but that it's even possible to

either way, i've been looking into hospitalization programs and therapy. it started with me reaching out to say hi to a friend and i just. ended up telling them hi hello hey hey i'm mentally ill

they've been trying to help me a lot though!! they've been doing research and making calls and giving suggestions

i love them sm but i'm really scared

i feel so vulnerable and i already felt disconnected from everyone

my trust issues have been going crazy so it's weird to expose myself like this

i know she wouldn't take advantage of me like that but i can't help but be afraid

i already exposed myself to rowan on thursday. that was a week ago now. agh. i hate myself for it

i'm so sorry about everything

i almost died again, but i guess i have to keep living a bit longer

maybe things are getting better. i've managed to get my dad to understand that i don't like my grandparents. now i don't have to be as panicked about it, despite proximity.

i still hate everything and myself though

...i really want to die still

i keep relapsing and i want to bleed i want to bleed i want to bleed until there's nothing left

i want to asphyxiate until i'm the colour of bruises and i feel as soft and fuzzy as cloudy days

i want him to help me with it, and i don't know why

ever since he was manic that day, wether true or not, ever since he admitted homicidal thoughts--

it's all i've wanted. in that instant i wanted it too. i wanted him to be the death of me

it's a win-win. i get to finally die, he gets to finally kill. it works out even more because i'd be able to trust him with it. it's willingly

aghh this is so stupid of me to say

of course he hates me but he wouldn't ever kill me

i know he still cares too much for that

does he?

no

no

no

he hates you too

why would you ask him to do that

KJHSDKGHSDK SHUT UP

i'm sorry, but for what? for the fact that i could never tell you. i want to cry whenever i see you

i'd loved you

i don't really want to anymore

i guess i'm stuck here

i just hope you can forgive me for what i've done

and what i'll end up doing soon

i hope you're not too bothered by me, like you always seem

it's too bad that you deleted that message. it'd made me really happy then, but you took it back. i don't mean anything to you, do i?

gosh. i really am just an obsessive mess. i'm sorry. i wish i was better than this