♡ 18.11.21 A ♡

i really messed up, but i didn't know what else to do. i probably seem attention-seeking, and i guess i am. i wish i was better than this. well, either way, i need to fix this. initially i intended to do it last night but it ended up being this morning. oh, someone just passed by while playing "the red means i love you". kind of ironic, maybe? maybe not. around 6:38 i sent rowan "i'm sorry" without any context. i really should've given a reason, especially now that he's asked. he responded at 6:58 with "what?", and left it at that. he logged in around maybe 7:20 again, which seems unusual. he doesn't log in often, especially in the morning. though, he messaged me again when first period was closing out. "what does that mean? what are you sorry for?" i started coming up with a response but i never sent it. its been over two hours and i still haven't responded. i skipped eating lunch with the group since i feel too overwhelmed, so i wandered campus trying to find a better place. i didn't want to hide out in the halls, but it was better than the old lunch spot. i would've preferred to stay on campus but i'm at the park instead. i tried to stay as close as i could, at least. i didn't get to eat though. oh, by the way! when i decided to head to the park i went out the doors by my history class and i think i saw rowan at the table again. greeting table for history?? anyway, i saw him there yesterday and i think he was there again today. maybe he really has found a better clique. i don't know for sure that it was him, but the hat design and the way the jacket sat looked just like him. the form was overall correct. i might try to catch another glance before i go to class, but it's very out of my way and risks me getting caught. i don't know that it's worth it, but i don't have much time either. lunch period ends in ten minutes now. this is exactly what i was sorry for. my ridiculous, obsessive behaviour towards someone who can't even remember anything. i really wish he didn't drink. if i had just told him who was trying to befriend me and if he hadn't gotten drunk that night then maybe i wouldn't be so traumatized, and maybe we could've still been friends. i doubt he really wanted to know me as much as i wanted to know him, but he was so nice back then. i want that again, and i don't know how to be okay without it. i can't do this anymore. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SO SORRY PLEASE IM SORRY NO NO NO NO NO IM SORRY SO SO SO SORRY ITS MY FAULT and you're already gone