♡ 13.11.21 ♡
hello!! this is the first journal entry specialized for this website. today is the day i decided to create it, and i hope to keep record of my journal entries and poetry. i haven’t been able to to work on writing as much as i would like, mostly from fear of it getting found by people i know, so i hope this can help me reset. i’m bruised teeth, but i’m trying to find a name that i connect with. i’m currently considering iris. my pronouns are openly they/them, but i like the idea of kit/kits and xe/xym. i got called she a lot today and while i’m okay with it to some extent it feels wrong in the contexts it was in. there’s very few people i actually feel comfortable using that pronoun. i only feel okay with it when the other person understands that pronouns and gender aren’t one in the same. i generally feel invalidated in my gender. i think it’s the objectification that’s made it so difficult for me. it definitely got worse after this summer, just as everything did. i’m so upset. i want to kill myself, and i want to kill him too. i wouldn’t, but i think about it a lot. i’ve started to cut and starve myself again instead though. i’ve definitely fallen back into middle school habits, so i’m not at my healthiest. i was finally getting better until he entered my life. i wish i could go back but i have to deal with the trauma now. maybe if i hadn’t been so obsessed with rowan, i wouldn’t have been so susceptible to james. i was absolutely engulfed by the idea of rowan, and what we could be. he seemed so significant to me, and i wanted to mean something to him too. i wanted him to keep approaching me the way he would, and i always spent the entire day hoping he would walk home with me again. it started a bit strangely, but it was an interesting way for things to play out. i ended up hanging out with a group of other kids with him, and they all left before he did. when it was just us, he seemed dejected and tried to leave. “i doubt you’d want to hang out with me, so i’m going to walk home now.” [paraphrased] i was passive then too, so i couldn’t convince him to stay. i gave him about a block head-start but he was walking my route so i panicked. i outpaced him, and i did this again the second time he walked home. afterwards, i asked him if he was bothered by me going the same direction. his response was “no, it’s nice to have company,” despite us never actually walking together yet. the third time, i’d tried to time things so i started heading off right before he did. my trick worked, somehow. “you walk really fast.” with that, i’d started a conversation and we walked home together for the first time. by now he knew my turn, but we went to the garden instead. we used to hang out in the garden for hours on end. he would lay in the grass with me and we would just talk. i really miss that. there’s a lot i’ve managed to leave out but i feel like i’ve over-explained. i’m scared that i don’t mean anything to him anymore. i remember he used to be more present. he’s always been emotionally distant, but he always made an effort to show that he cared. it started raining at one point and he offered me his rain jacket, despite wearing large or xlarge while i fit xsmall to small. in the same day, we were walking again and i’d mentioned how bright it was. he dug through his bag and put a sun hat on me. it made me really, really happy. i remember later on he seemed scared by the fact that i was staring at him, but i couldn’t help but feel so appreciative of him. he even tried to give me a knife for self-defence when a dangerous day was nearing. i didn’t take it because i didn’t want to get in trouble, but he offered me a knife he specialized himself. i wish i could thank him again, but i don’t know if he’d even remember anything. he’s so forgetful. i didn’t get to see him after summer started, and everything changed. i don’t want to talk about it too much, but i lost myself to it. i was taken advantage of. when summer ended, i felt like i had nothing left. i hoped to see rowan again, but i didn’t want him to see me. he took me to the park one day after school, because he noticed i wasn’t doing well. i told him what happened, and a familiar anger revealed itself. rowan never liked james, and rowan would always get quite upset whenever he realized someone hurt me. he would ask a lot of questions about who they are and how to contact them, supposedly because he wanted justice. i hope he actually thought i mattered. either way, it’s getting late. i could talk about rowan forever, and i could despise james forever, but i should take a break. everything hurts and i want to cry.