♡ 08.09.21 ♡
he would like… just. touch me. a lot. and he’d make comments
he would have me visit him every day for about eight hours straight
which i was fine with at first
he limited me to his room a lot and everything seemed fine for a while
after a few days he started getting really insistent and i didn’t know what to do
sorry i don’t mean to dump this on you but i’ve been so scared of my own body lately
it’s made my intrusive thoughts a lot worse and i’m tired of having to want to go through with things that would cause severe damage
i don’t know if i told you about this other guy but before “james” (the insistent guy) entered my life i’d hang out with… uhhh rowan???? a lot and i really got along with him
he was never really clear on what our stance was and he’s pretty awkward but he’d walk me to my block and we’d hang out in the neighbourhood garden for hours
eventually school was ending and i didn’t really get a chance to see him anymore. it made me pretty sad because realistically, i was obsessed with him
that’s around the time james started trying to talk to me. he seemed kind of nice at first, and he started approaching the person i was always with to talk to me
for context, i was always with this one friend, even in class because they were kind of my safe person?? like the teacher just always paired me with them because i struggle to be around people
and james admitted he only approached my friend to get near me????
anyways. as i got to know james more i started projecting a lot of my obsession towards rowan onto him because they had minor similarities
i think that’s the only reason i was able to like him
it’s kind of interesting because james cut me off after he went too far because “[he] realize[d] [he] doesn’t love [me]”
and about a week later i went back to school and got back in contact with rowan
FGSJFHFH
it turns out i’m still somewhat obsessed with him but i’ve managed to refrain from adding to my notes
i know it’s kind of messed up for me to even have them but i just felt like i had to
anyways uh
school was over at one point and i was just zoned out because i was too stressed
i was by the bike racks and rowan approached me to make sure i was okay
we went to the park together and he told me i could talk to him
and so i did
at first, i’d stated “it’s pretty awkward for me to talk right now because i haven’t been one on one with anyone for a long time except one person.”
he then pressed teasingly if i’d found someone, even after i said no
which. sucked for a few reasons
every time i’ve told him about someone hurting me he gets really defensive over me, and that stayed the same this time
he guessed name by name until he figured it out
initially he thought it was one of his closer friends?????? and was like he did it?????? i’m going to text him
and when he finally got to james name he said “i don’t think he’d confess to you” which wh
anyways i’m now scared that his friend likes me because he was so quick to guess him after i said someone confessed HDGSGFJSJ
not to mention the way he’s been acting??? when i went into the class we shared for the first time he was like omg ok and then at lunch when i couldn’t find a spot he waved me over????? idk i feel like i’m overthinking it but it feels like deja vu to hear that he does have attention??????
im entirely ranting and im sorry
i guess i just feel some kind of guilt in saying i got @$54u|t3d. i never technically said no but consent can only be given through an enthusiastic yes, which isn’t something i gave either
there were some things i did manage to get him to stop but at one point i was getting so resistant that i was involuntarily fighting him off and his response was to try to p!n me